Beyond the Bedroom: How Patriarchal Influence Shaped Society’s Perspective on Masochism

Our views on masochism are undeniably polarizing. Most think of BDSM, while some use the term as a self-defeating joke. Others see it as a disorder, while some don’t even know what it is. The Oxford dictionary defines masochism as “the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from one's own pain or humiliation.”

There’s a big difference between identifying as a masochist and being the victim of undesired abuse or violence. But most people, masochists included, may not know how to hold one without the other. The dark side of this is that masochists may fail to recognize and protect their masochistic nature since that line is so blurry. Even many proud masochists don’t know the difference, thanks to the patriarchal impact that molded society’s confused, and often cold, perspective on it. 

Why is “healthy” a weapon we use against each other? 

I recently came across an article where the author called out BDSM and sex-positive advocates for fueling patriarchal stereotypes and contributing to violence against women by encouraging power exchange dynamics. He stated that the concept of “consent” where BDSM is concerned was just a fluffy ideal that masked the brainwashing of women into craving pain and domination. Reading that article brought up feelings of outrage, as I felt fiercely protective over something dear to my heart.

Understandably, this is a sensitive and complicated subject and views such as his are often thought to be a passionate attempt to protect women and their independence. However, the article was written by a man who couldn’t relate with submission or masochism personally, and lacked the compassion to withhold his own view in order to better understand the people who do. 

In discussions like that, the aggressive judgement of this lifestyle choice feels rooted in an imbalance of toxic masculinity. One which says there is a one size fits all approach to mental health, sexuality or identity, and that approach must be approved of by a mental health system built by – ah yes, the patriarchy. Rather than teaching women (and men) how to love, accept and trust ourselves and our own inner knowing of what we feel our authentic identity is, and how to then live with it safely. 

Unfortunately that’s a very threatening idea for the patriarchally-infused psychiatric and health care systems. If people were taught boundaries, self-reliance and the courage to speak our truth, then perhaps we would stop leaning on sources outside of us to tell us whether we are empowered or not. Of course, there are many great people in the healthcare profession who do truly help and empower, but we can’t fail to ask how it is these labels under the “mental health” umbrella were created in the first place. Then ask if some might do us more harm than good, if still casually thrown upon a group of women without offering any solid solutions to find our way out of a maze like masochism. 

Pain is primal. It’s a universal human experience, so shouldn’t it be a basic human right to heal from and engage with pain in whatever way we each feel is most personally helpful? Unfortunately, when the patriarchy wasn’t openly inflicting pain on women, they were actively trying to control how women view, experience or heal from pain.

Newsflash, not all masochists get off sexually from pain. 

Masochism isn’t just a fetish or a sexual perversion. For some, it has nothing to do with sex at all. But surprise, surprise... the patriarchy didn’t teach us that. They did what they do with many things surrounding women and they sexualized and trivialized it. 

There are physical masochists who aren’t interested in BDSM. Many emotional masochists don’t take any pleasure in physical pain. Some who self-harm aren’t masochists, while others are. Even things like higher education or competitive sports can be masochistic. Some become spiritual masochists, due to extreme religious traditions that manipulated or diminished their sense of self. It’s clear there are many forms of masochism that patriarchal systems benefited from and they didn’t want us to notice. They wanted to quietly focus the conversation on controlling women’s sex lives, once again. 

This leaves very few resources, education or support on how to truly help emotional masochists untangle from suffocating self-loathing and shame. The removal of Masochistic Personality Disorder from the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders), while perhaps a good thing on one hand, but was likely another move to sweep these issues under the rug. This starved women of receiving help to release unhealthy masochistic tendencies. Even through simply acknowledging their confusingly relentless masochistic nature. 

Validation is the silver lining to the labels we receive from mental health professionals. When we are not given that validation and instead offered labels only defined through a sexualized lens, such as Sexual Masochism Disorder, they’re not only twisting sexuality into something “wrong”, but they diminish our emotional landscape as well. Society won’t end non-consensual violence or sexual abuse by condemning or shaming those who mindfully crave pain in safe, loving settings. 

We must support, protect and care for each other, even those we don’t understand. As a masochist, whether your flavor of pain is sexual, physical or emotional, we must be extremely self-aware and careful in our choices and the sources in which we look for fulfilment of masochistic supply. We all have wounds to heal and the more we offer ourselves love and patience in nurturing that inner pain, the better our relationship will be to pain itself in all areas of our lives. 

It doesn’t help the common goal of empowering women to make independent choices for our lives and bodies, if society still vilifies the women who trigger fear of abuse or oppression. We must all defy the toxic systems of patriarchal oppression through bold self-acceptance and acceptance of others. Offering ourselves the affirmation, love and support that patriarchal powers may never give. 

Rachel Leedom is a writer from California. She is a sadomasochism integration mentor, Founder of The Conscious Masochist and the author of Conscious Masochism: Releasing our Addiction to Suffering and Embracing Our Darkness for Healing. You can follow her on Instagram @TheConsciousMasochist and visit www.rachelleedom.com.

Banner Photo: Kamaji Ogino

Photo of Rachel: Nicole Cook